A tough weekend

It's rare that I look forward to the weekend ending.  I love having time with my husband and Girlies.  This past weekend left me needing a vacation.

Bug is 9 years old and a lovely kid, inside and out.  This weekend it was like she was possessed.  She was angry, frustrated, and impossible to deal with.  I am not at all used to this kind of behavior from her.  I'm not even sure how it started but she got very frustrated with herself over something and would not tell us what was making her so upset.  When she gets very frustrated either she can't or won't find the words she needs to tell us what is wrong or what we can do to help.  This is VERY hard on a Mommy who would do anything to make her kids smile.  Any of you parents out there probably remember what people call "the terrible twos" which is often caused by a child who is developing faster than their ability to communicate.  Toddlers can get very frustrated when they have a point they want to make but nobody can understand them.  This is the same problem I think Bug is having.  She gets upset, frustrated, and angry and it keeps her from being able to work it out at all.  I really don't know what to do to help her.

When Bug gets upset she does things she shouldn't, sometimes even throwing things or hitting herself.  I can't begin to describe how hard that is for me to see.  When she does things like this it compounds things because she feels very bad about what she has done and the cycle starts again.  One of the worst parts of this weekends issues was the fact that it didn't happen if we weren't at home.  On Saturday she was "pitching fits" until we left to go to lunch.  We met my Dad and his wife for lunch and then a little shopping and Bug was her delightful self the entire time.  After getting some new clothes for the girls we headed home and as we pulled into the driveway Bug changed.  She started getting upset and worked up all over again.  It made me want to leave her in the driveway.  I was exhausted and had no idea what else to try.  The rest of the weekend wasn't as bad as Saturday morning, but it wasn't good either.

I'm not writing very well about this.  It's just so hard to put into words the weekend we had.  I'm hoping that we will have a few days away from the torment so that I can come up with some options.  I need something new to try.  If any of you have any ideas, I could really use the help.

Comments

[Tamikko]

wow! I know the frustration you feel. I have four kids, 18 yr old girl, 15 yr old boy, 4 yr girl and almost 19 mth old girl. So I'm dealing with the terrible two's all over again.
I find attention is all they want but you have to be careful what kind of attention you give to the behavior you're getting. The thing that works the best for me is diverting attention or ignoring it when appropriate. I've become pretty good at figuring out when to do what, and only you can know as their parent or caregiver as what is best. There has been times when I've openly and loudly laughed at a fit one of them has on the ground. This works best when they are kicking and punching the ground. I just don't think they expect that reaction. I also tell that they look funny and smile ridiculously. This works for them and may not work for yours. Mine usually laugh too or then begin to try to be funny themselves.
As for them hurting themselves, I believe that needs to be stopped right away. I've only had that with my son. I grabbed his arm and said "Please don't hurt my Jacob. I love you, and don't want you to get hurt." I gave him big hugs and kisses which he didn't show he liked at first, but pushed into them after.
I have been working with kids in daycares of my own and others for, wow, 20 yrs now. Kids need to be hugged, and touched throughout the day several times. I do find if you hug them first and tell them how much you love them they will stop the behavior. There is times that ignoring it is a must though, or they will change the behavior until they get a response that they want, and then want that response every time. I especially hate when kids get something as a result of whining or pitching a fit.
I find its all in the voice and speed in which it's given. It may sound weird but I hope you try it. Next time just smile and in a happy voice say "Mommy thinks you look awfully funny doing that. When you stop we can go __________, but you need to be good if you want to -go here, there, have _____ etc" Just don't bribe or promise things you won't do or that they don't need to do. If they don't stop sometimes I"ll go do something, like read a book maybe out loud, and ignore them until they respond differently. Sometimes you have to change it up and try some different things like change of scenery, location, laugh, smile and hug, act sad and like you're going to cry, or just go do something more fun in another area close by where they can here what you're doing and may stop and come see. (my 19 mth old hates when I cry, it will start her crying)
I hope this all makes sense and gives you some ideas on what you can do.
Good luck. As I write this I've had to stop a fight and some whining :( I always say though "it's a good thing you're so cute", or we wouldn't want to be around them sometimes, and of course, "you gotta love them".

Tamikko

[Shanti]

It's hard to tell just from your post if she's just acting out or if she's truly frustrated with herself. Either way, if she's really having a hard time expressing what the issue is when you're talking, maybe you could give her a journal to write it out? I was always much better at expressing myself in writing than I was at speaking, especially when I didn't trust myself to find the right words.

My 6 year old niece uses drawing as an outlet, so even if she doesn't use a notebook as a diary, she could use it to free write or draw and it would be a constructive way to divert her energy from hurting herself or pitching a fit.

Nothing I can tell you will help the pain you feel when your baby is hurting, but go easy on yourself - some things a child just has to work out for herself.

[Dawn]

Perhaps she could "draw" her feelings. I know counselors do this with children when trying to draw out their feelings about certain subjects.

Maybe if you and her sat down with a box of crayons, markers, colored pencils, whatever...and draw, while you "prompt" her to draw what she is feeling bad about, it might be eye opening for you, and cathartic for her.

I don't know. I don't have children, so I probably shouldn't suggest anything...but I had this thought pop into my head while reading this.

Good luck with however you address this.