This evening I had a problem come up that has been haunting me for over a year now. I've been mostly trying to pretend it wasn't there but tonight I am inspired by my friend Spuddy Buddy to ask you for help.
You all know that my Bitty, that's her on the Nutcracker's back, has been in ballet for nearly 5 full years now. She started the week after Bug started because even though she was only 2 she couldn't handle her sister getting to do something that she didn't. In that five years Buster and I have learned that Bitty is a natural. Her little body is all muscle and she is able to use that muscle in strong, graceful, amazing ways. She has no concept of stage fright at all and loves a good audience. She gains a great deal of pride in herself through her dancing and has also learned an amazing amount of responsibility and work ethic. That is a long list for someone who is 7 years old.
The problem is that sometimes she balks at going to ballet. Just tonight I asked her to go upstairs and get her dance clothes on and she said no. (when I was 7 I couldn't get into dance tights on my own, could you?) When I asked her why she told me that ballet is hard and she doesn't like it as much as Jazz and she didn't think she wanted to do it anymore. I worked hard not to gasp in pain. She threw a massive fit when I didn't just say, "ok, no dance tonight."
Through all of the years of dance my husband and I have always maintained that we would only keep them in dance as long as they wanted to do it. This has rarely been an issue because Bug LOVES dance with a deep and abiding passion and that has been enough to keep both of them going even through the grueling summer workshops and even harder Nutcracker season. Every once in a while little Bit will say she doesn't want to go but it has never happened two classes in a row so we have felt comfortable just letting it roll off our backs. This time isn't any different, Bit was fine going to class on Monday and I know she will be happy to go to Jazz class tomorrow. I bring it up because I worry that I won't be prepared when she does tell me two classes, or three, or *shudder* four that she just doesn't want to do ballet anymore.
We have certain rules that will insulate me for the immediate future if this were to happen. We have always told both girls that they need to be taking ballet in order to take the other classes like jazz and tap that they love. This is because they find those other classes to be easier than ballet and we don't want them just taking the easier way out in order to get to see their dance friends and perform in the recitals. We also feel strongly that ballet is the basis for all of the dance they do and benefits them in innumerable ways. Another rule is that they are not allowed to drop out of dance in the middle of preparing for anything. Once they commit to a performance, be it Nutcracker, recital, or something else, we will not let them quit. We want them to understand that this would be letting the other members of their group down and that isn't the right thing to do. That being said, if Bitty does tell me she is done when the season is over then I will be at a crossroads.
I love that my daughters dance. I love what they get from it. I love what they have learned about themselves. I love the friends they have made at the dance studio. I am also very involved myself even thought I don't dance. I am on the Board of Directors for the dance company. I arrange for a large portion of the volunteer work that goes on. I have many dance school related friends. Don't get me wrong, I would not keep either of them in it just for my own benefit but I can't help but be sad at the prospect of losing any of that. Also, if Bit were to quit dancing that wouldn't mean Bug was out. I don't think that is in my near future at all. I guess what I am saying is that I like dancer Bit. I like that she gets exercise and self esteem, grace and a love of a beautiful art form. I want to help her make the right decision if that time comes but in the end it's up to her.
Do you have any suggestions on how I can know if she wants out because she just isn't in love with it anymore, or if she just isn't in the mood for putting in the work right now? Can you help me figure out how to guide her the right way even if it isn't the way I would choose? I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't have her heart in, but I also don't want her to quit dancing only to find that she misses it and wants to go back, over and over. If you have advice I'd like to hear it.
The problem is that sometimes she balks at going to ballet. Just tonight I asked her to go upstairs and get her dance clothes on and she said no. (when I was 7 I couldn't get into dance tights on my own, could you?) When I asked her why she told me that ballet is hard and she doesn't like it as much as Jazz and she didn't think she wanted to do it anymore. I worked hard not to gasp in pain. She threw a massive fit when I didn't just say, "ok, no dance tonight."
Through all of the years of dance my husband and I have always maintained that we would only keep them in dance as long as they wanted to do it. This has rarely been an issue because Bug LOVES dance with a deep and abiding passion and that has been enough to keep both of them going even through the grueling summer workshops and even harder Nutcracker season. Every once in a while little Bit will say she doesn't want to go but it has never happened two classes in a row so we have felt comfortable just letting it roll off our backs. This time isn't any different, Bit was fine going to class on Monday and I know she will be happy to go to Jazz class tomorrow. I bring it up because I worry that I won't be prepared when she does tell me two classes, or three, or *shudder* four that she just doesn't want to do ballet anymore.
We have certain rules that will insulate me for the immediate future if this were to happen. We have always told both girls that they need to be taking ballet in order to take the other classes like jazz and tap that they love. This is because they find those other classes to be easier than ballet and we don't want them just taking the easier way out in order to get to see their dance friends and perform in the recitals. We also feel strongly that ballet is the basis for all of the dance they do and benefits them in innumerable ways. Another rule is that they are not allowed to drop out of dance in the middle of preparing for anything. Once they commit to a performance, be it Nutcracker, recital, or something else, we will not let them quit. We want them to understand that this would be letting the other members of their group down and that isn't the right thing to do. That being said, if Bitty does tell me she is done when the season is over then I will be at a crossroads.
I love that my daughters dance. I love what they get from it. I love what they have learned about themselves. I love the friends they have made at the dance studio. I am also very involved myself even thought I don't dance. I am on the Board of Directors for the dance company. I arrange for a large portion of the volunteer work that goes on. I have many dance school related friends. Don't get me wrong, I would not keep either of them in it just for my own benefit but I can't help but be sad at the prospect of losing any of that. Also, if Bit were to quit dancing that wouldn't mean Bug was out. I don't think that is in my near future at all. I guess what I am saying is that I like dancer Bit. I like that she gets exercise and self esteem, grace and a love of a beautiful art form. I want to help her make the right decision if that time comes but in the end it's up to her.
Do you have any suggestions on how I can know if she wants out because she just isn't in love with it anymore, or if she just isn't in the mood for putting in the work right now? Can you help me figure out how to guide her the right way even if it isn't the way I would choose? I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't have her heart in, but I also don't want her to quit dancing only to find that she misses it and wants to go back, over and over. If you have advice I'd like to hear it.
Ouch. I feel your pain. Would it do any good to talk to Pat again? I am sure she would be very disappointed to lose dancer Bit. Maybe when the newness of the bunnies wears off, Bitty will not be as adamant to stay home!
Posted by: Nana | February 19, 2009 at 07:36 AM
Could you take her for an alone chat over chocolate milk, maybe on a weekend or a time when it wasn't a dance day and ask her to talk to you about it more in depth? I agree with you that if she has committed to a performance she should not be allowed to quit just because she doesn't like it anymore, but then again, if she is really not wanting to do it, she's probably going to half-ass the performance. At least, that's my personality :-)
Maybe it's too much time that she's spending. Maybe she just wants to dance less right now. But I'll bet she'll open up over a special outing with just you.
Posted by: donna | February 19, 2009 at 07:44 AM
Good luck! Remember Camden has always been a strong-willed child. She normally knows what she likes and doesn't like. Tell her Grandad loves her whatever decision she makes.
Posted by: Grandad | February 19, 2009 at 11:44 AM
To use the old cliche "You can lead a horse to water . . . . ". I think you have done a great job in leading your beautiful little ponies to the water and it is quite admirable that you are so sensitive to their feelings and their future while making this important decision. Personally I lean toward the stance of not pushing too much but in the end it is best judged by you. You know her so well that I am sure you will make the right decision.
Posted by: Taco Bill | February 19, 2009 at 12:49 PM
I would try not to worry too much. After 12 years of dance, Em still has days where she just doesn't want to go. She always does thougfh, and enjoys herself once she's there.
I've always told Em that she can give it up at any time, as long as it's what she *really* wants. A friend of mine once said to me, that if she says she wants to give it up, sit her down, have a proper talk to her about it, and ask her to give it one more month. (Or six weeks, whatever)If at the end of that time, she's still dead certain that she wants to give it up, then it probably is time.
We've never got that far, she's now getting upset that she's only really got two years left!
Posted by: Donna | February 19, 2009 at 05:45 PM
Does anything hurt ache?
Posted by: madhands | January 30, 2010 at 09:40 AM